Favorite Stories from Seinfeld

My Favorite George Story

[Scene: Beach. GEORGE voiceover]

So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys --

[Scene: Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, KRAMER]

I was terrified. But I pressed on. And as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist.

[ELAINE arrives.]

ELAINE: George, I've just been reading this thing in the paper. It's unbelievable.

GEORGE: I know, I was just telling them the story.

KRAMER: Come on, George, finish the story.

GEORGE: The sea was angry that day, my friends, [pause] like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about 50 feet out and, suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was 10 stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

JERRY: Mammal.

GEORGE: Whatever.

KRAMER: Then, what did you do next?

GEORGE: Then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him — face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in [reaches into his coat], felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. [Pulls out his hand, then shows golf ball.]

KRAMER: Is that a Titleist?

GEORGE: [Nods.]

KRAMER: A hole in one, huh?

From The Marine Biologist, written by Ron Hague and Charlie Rubin. Originally aired February 10, 1994. © Castle Rock Entertainment

Hear part of it here

My Favorite Kramer Story

[Scene: JERRY's apartment. KRAMER, JERRY, GEORGE]

KRAMER: What did you go up there to heckle her for?

JERRY: Because she came down to the club and heckled me. I gave her a taste of her own medicine.

KRAMER: Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, all right.

JERRY: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.

GEORGE: What accident?

KRAMER: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building, and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable!

KRAMER: Yeah. After the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.

GEORGE: You ran?

KRAMER: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy, step on it!"

GEORGE: Holy cow!

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Then, all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat, and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I says, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy." [Makes punching moves.] Plow! Plat! Ke-yah! Knocked him out cold.

GEORGE: How could you do that?!

KRAMER: Then, everybody is screaming, because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is OUT of control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel. Now I'm driving the bus.

GEORGE: You're Batman.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then, I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door, you know, with my foot, you know, at the next stop.

JERRY: You kept making all the stops?!

KRAMER: Well, people kept ringing the bell!

GEORGE: What about the toe? What happened to the toe?

KRAMER: Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.

GEORGE: You did all this for a pinky toe?

KRAMER: It's a very valuable appendage.